So it’s over finally. As of September 20th, 2024, I’m officially divorced from Tom.

It’s been a rough year and a half and a I know some of you have wondered where I’ve been. I’ve also had a lot of friends and family ask “What happened?” or some variation of that, like “I thought you guys were happy?” But that’s the thing isn’t it? Happiness online is such an illusion. On social media you only see the very best of people. It’s often the same out in social situations in a group. During 4H we’d put on our best happy faces and put any ugly or awkward aside for a couple hours. Do the people that don’t live with you EVER really get to know you as well as those that do? I don’t think so…

They asked Tom on the stand why we split up. He said, “I don’t know. It was a shock. I thought we were good. I thought we were happy. It was just all so sudden…”

I’m telling you. It wasn’t.

I remember distinctly twice in the 6 months before our split telling him, “If things don’t change, we aren’t going to make it.” I don’t know how much plainer language you can have than that. I remember when Ely started talking about going to college, me musing out loud more than once, “If we ever get divorced, maybe I’ll just go with Ely or live by the ocean somewhere.” Ladies and Gents, if your spouse starts musing out loud about what life would look like without you and has never done this before… you might want to sit up and pay attention. Fast.

When they asked me on the stand, all I could think to say was, “I was tired of feeling like an appliance. All he did was work and then sit in his chair and not help me.” This was a crap answer, because I suck at responding to things like that on the fly. What I should have told them was this:

It wasn’t any one big thing. It was death by a thousand tiny cuts. Yes we had some really rough big moments- he cheated on me right after I miscarried, which eventually that same year led to me cheating on him to get revenge. We managed to hold it together through that and surgeries and having to borrow money to eat that week… through both of us going to college and working and running a business together. There was a lot.

Now the song goes like this:

” So I ain’t gonna go and tell you what he did
But I’ll tell you what he didn’t do
Treat me right, put me first, be a man of his word
Stay home ’cause he wanted to
Always fight for my love, hold on tight like it’s something
That he couldn’t stand to lose
The devil’s in the details, I won’t tell the hell that he put me through
All I know is in the end, it wasn’t what he did
No, it was what he didn’t do”

What I should have told them in court was, I was fading away. I was drowning in slow sinking quicksand and he didn’t reach for my hand or even notice. I felt abandoned. I felt taken for granted. I felt invisible.

And I was angry that through all of my being lonely and drowning and hurting and miserable he didn’t notice. Because he was watching TikTok. Or Fox News. Or Discovery. Or sleeping in the chair. Or working and telling us to be quiet for the One-Millionth time because he had a meeting… or… or… or…

When you’re hurting, you look for things to be more hurt about. Everything that person does becomes a slight or an insult, whether they meant it that way or not. And then when things sit for years and you don’t talk about them, it just becomes impossible to talk about. Like when you can’t remember someone’s name at a party- and you don’t ask within those first few minutes… then you go half the night and it would just be ridiculous to ask. So you never ask. And you never know. And then it’s lost forever.

But, I didn’t have time to say all of this on the stand. So I just said what came to mind first, which was basically that stupid old joke about “Why does the bride wear white?”

“So she can match all the other appliances.”

I was tired of feeling invisible. Like the refrigerator you don’t give a second thought unless it stops working. It was all that came to mind.

But I’m telling you. This was not sudden. It was not a rash decision. I landed myself in the hospital with all of this stress when Ely was in 3rd or 4th grade. Things went downhill very suddenly when we moved to St James. I didn’t have my friends and my volunteer job to distract me from my home life anymore. Which meant I really started to dwell on how shitty I felt and how it never changed and how I’d rather walk into the ocean and disappear forever if I had to endure another year, another month, another day…

Danny coming to the farm was just supposed to be for him to help me get caught up with all those little chores I was drowning in. Tom thought it was a good idea. Someone to help fix the broken tractor, get the garden in order, help me with all those little time-eating projects that I hadn’t managed to get to (and they were stacking up by the minute). We talked about how maybe Danny could come stay in the front house for the summer. We’d fix it up enough to make it livable. He wouldn’t have to deal with rent and such. We hadn’t seen Danny in about seven years. Tom reached out to him first…

Then I started talking to him. And then made plans to come get him.

And I didn’t tell Tom.
Whether at first I meant things to go where they did, I really can’t tell you now. I just know that Danny held out his hand and I was drowning in quicksand. We’d always been so much alike. We were the ‘worker bees’ of our respective marriages. The partners that did all the stuff behind the scenes while someone else took the credit. The ones that raised the kids, did the garden, took care of the animals, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, did the shopping, the errands, the laundry… all that stuff that has to get done but doesn’t get celebrated and often not appreciated by anyone.

Now we appreciate each other. We give the respect we felt we were missing to each other. We take care of each other in a way that we took care of others, but never had for ourselves. And we are absolutely thriving in each other’s company.

I thought Danny was beautiful the first time he stepped out of his truck and Tom said, “This is my brother, Danny.” Those blue eyes… they’re damn near hypnotic. Especially when he’s staring down at me in the near-dark. 😉
He makes me laugh, he makes me cry too, but usually because he says really sweet, insightful things that take me by surprise. I love his smile and his laugh. I love the way he can pull me into his arms and all my tension just melts away. I love that we’ve watched each other grow and mature for 25 years into the people we are now. He makes me happy in ways I can’t even begin to describe. And I’ve never been so sure in my entire life of anyone. And we talk. About everything. And we’ve sworn to keep doing that with each other, so that it never goes too long or gets to awkward to talk about. We still cut each other sometimes, but we’re careful to tend the wounds after and not just let them bleed. I hope we have a long, long time to take care of and love each other.

So all of you that are wondering, “What the hell happened?” That’s the Cliff Note’s version for you. There’s a LOT of stuff in between, but it doesn’t matter now. I’m ready to put it behind me and get on with life now, especially since I feel like ours has been on hold for almost 2 years.

I’m not sure where the next several years will lead and and instead of dreading that, I find it really exciting.

-B