I began my winter doldrums early this year it seems.
There are still plants in pots in the yard that need to be put in the ground, plants I dug up this past spring when we were planning to move to Jefferson City. I watch the night temps drop each week and just keep procrastinating. It’s a good thing I didn’t order my usual 25-75 trees from the Conservation Department to put in the ground this fall. Or maybe not. Maybe a huge tree order would have gotten me out of my bed, off my butt and outdoors. I’ve been busy having a little pity party for myself lately. Not something to be proud about and certainly not constructive, but I’m doing it anyway. So there.

I’m 41 years old. My health was relatively decent until the past 6 years or so, thyroid issues, some girly stuff, but nothing too serious. Since my pregnancy in 2008, I’ve had chronic arthritis pain that gets progressively worse each year. I’ve been to multiple doctors trying to stave it off. So far, not much help in that department. I’ve tried herbals, I’ve tried vitamin supplements, exercise, rest, ice, heat, paraffin wax, crying, screaming, you name it. I haven’t been to a hypnotist or acupuncturist yet. Yeah, yeah I know. Everybody has their problems and I should expect a certain amount of pain now considering how I’ve abused my body in the past. I think what I’m having issues with is that it was just all so SUDDEN.

I worked in the nursing profession for years; walking hallways all night on concrete floors, lifting people that outweighed me by 80+ lbs, hours of standing, crappy eating habits, smoking too much, partying too much, etc. I’ve had my share of low back problems and achy knees. I’ve taken care of plenty of people at work that had chronic pain. I prayed to every god out there that I’d never get rheumatoid arthritis. I guess one must have answered the prayers that had a wry sense of humor- because I don’t have the rheumatoid type, but I’ve got osteoarthritis bad enough already that my fingers are beginning to twist and there are days I feel like a wookie is doing it’s best to remove my right shoulder from the socket. It moves around. It’s rainy today, so my hands and hips hurt worse. Last week it was my right foot and shoulder. Next week it may be back and knees.

I don’t normally write about my personal issues on this site, unless they are plant or soil related. But this is preventing me from doing those things that I love. I’m beyond frustrated and being an introverted writer sort, it helps to get this stuff on a page. It puts the problem in perspective- because I also have a vivid imagination that tends to run rampant if I don’t get a leash on the damned thing. When I’m depressed it can turn into a traveling demon- gathering energy and building a little network of other demons as it goes. I’ll start out thinking- “Wow, that conversation with that person ended kind of abruptly,” and instead of my next thought being, “Maybe they’re just tired or preoccupied and didn’t want to talk.” It’s usually more along the lines of, “I suck with people. My boss told me once that I had an aggressive personality and that I needed to change that because people didn’t like it and if enough people say it’s bad it must be me and not them and I never made friends easily and people leave when I get close to them and…”
You see where this is going.
It starts out at as a tiny little thing and grows into a nightmare web of self-doubt, pain and self-loathing. Wrap that up with a pity party, some chocolate binging, more guilt and a day in bed. Then I look at the calendar and it’s been a month and I’ve accomplished nothing. I am good at faking normal in public. I suspect many of us are. Although when I’m in this downward spiral mode, it can feel like I’m the only one in the world that could possibly be this lame.

I sometimes wish I could hibernate like a bear.
I will try and accomplish something worthwhile soon and get it posted.

-B

The picture is from http://scenesofstlouis.blogspot.com/2010/10/dying-sunflower-5-nik-hdr-efex.html and was created by photographer Preston Page.